We went to Wasaga Beach yesterday. We had 9 on the list originally, but we ended up with 5 as a bunch of people either bailed last-minute (with good reasons) or didn't confirm they were coming. Anyway, it was me, Gilly, Laura, Melanie, and Stacey. We had a good time, even though it was cold out. I was so sleepy I was unconscious for most of the car time in both directions. When we got to the beach we put on sunblock, but decided to walk along the boardwalk first and get lunch before swimming. We did some shopping, then went to the Dard and found it closed. We went to Bananas rooftop bar instead and had daiquiris out of coconuts. I had a virgin one, as I didn't think drinking would do anything good for me at all.

The patio was busy, the service painfully slow, and we were sitting at a table in line with a crack in the windbreak plastic, so we were being blasted by high-ressure cold wind. None of us had brought sweaters to the restaurant with us, so we were freezing. The music was very loud so we couldn't converse, and my mind was so blank I couldn't start conversation anyway. Lunch felt like it took forever, and I was glad when that bit was over and we moved on to other things.

Once we left the rooftop, the wind didn't feel so cold. We all needed to warm up, and we managed to find a diner hidden away amongst the shops, and we got hot chocolate and tea. It was a great discovery! We decided we'll have to go there for lunch next time. We then took a walk along the beach, and Gilly and Laura waded in the water. Gilly took the legs off her zip-off pants and threw them at me to carry. Feeling chilly, I got the brilliant idea of wearing the legs on my arms, with the top edges tucked under my backpack straps so they wouldn't fall off. They made a big difference and I was able to enjoy the walk along the sand.

We returned to the car and after some discussion we decided to go to the Elmvale zoo. I'm glad we made that decision! The zoo is small but quite good. We saw lemurs screaming at each other fiercely, in a way I didn't know lemurs were capable of. Tigers paced expectantly in their cages, and the sign said they did that near feeding time. Each animal we visited either urinated, defecated, or masturbated in front of us. The exception was the monkeys, who just had sex briefly before the female ran off into the opposite corner of the cage. Laura tried to steal a baby goat, but failed in her mission. I got a picture of Gilly with monkeys named Willy and Lilly. Another monkey amused us by repeatedly looking around with his right hand cupped around his eye, like a pirate looking for land. We had suchfun, the staff had to chase us out because they were closing.

We headed back to Barrie and went to Pizza Hut for supper, which was very enjoyable. We took our time with dinner, then headed home as we were all tired out. We certainly made a day out of it even if the weather didn't cooperate.

I was so tired last night, I went to bed at 10:30PM and slept for 12 hours. I spent today watching TV and doing not much else. We rented Man of the Year and watched it with Mom, expecting it to be screamingly funny like Mrs. Doubtfire. To our surprise, it was a fairly serious movie with real plot, and although Gilly and I enjoyed it, Mom wwas bored and kept talking over it.

After the movie, as the credits rolled, Mom rubbed her face with her hands and said, "I'm kinda freaking out about scattering your dad's ashes." I told her I also felt it was too soon, and Gilly agreed. We decided not to even discuss scattering the ashes for now, and that if we feel like it later, we'll do it then.Seeing how Dad didn't care what happened to his ashes, it's not like we're betraying his wishes by keeping them. They'll be fine in the cardboard box and velvet bag, so we don't need an urn. Mom seemed relieved that we weren't pushing to scatter them. Honestly, so was I. I often pass the velvet bag and pat it and say "Hi Dad". On occasion I talk to it a little. I'm not ready to give that up yet.

Krista phoned me tonight, and we talked for an hour or so. I sat in the dark in the back yard, swatting mosquitoes just to have a little privacy to speak freely and not set Mom off on a rampage. Mostly I was telling Krista about the side-effects of the antidepressant. The sweats and sick feelings seem to have passed, but I'm still very sleepy and have no motivation. Before, my head was so full of thoughts I felt like I was in a constant panic, and now there's not much going on in my mind at all. I'm not used to sitting quietly and having no thoughts running through my mind. At the moment, it's kind of a relief after all the frantic worrying, but it's making it difficult to even get up and brush my teeth, let alone shower and leave the house. Tomorrow I see the doctor and I'm taking Dorian with me. I think I'll try to walk to the doctor just to get some exercise. If I feel too tired to walk home, I'm sure Dorian wouldn't mind dropping me off.

I'd better get to bed. My eyes are closing.

I really should be in bed already, seeing how I'm going to Wasaga tomorrow morning. However, I had a very interesting conversation with someone at the church variety show tonight and I need to document and share what she told me. Let's call this girl "Sue".

In the washroom, Sue asked how I was doing, and I said not great. She and I had met briefly before but had never spoken. After talking for a few minutes she was telling me how my mom is always trashing me, which I already knew about. Sue said she thinks my mom's a "psycho bitch", and wondered if I wasthe same from the way my mom talks about me. Then she told me Mom said *I* hit *her* with her cane. Holy shit! Mom's going around telling people I'm hitting her?! What the fuck?! Fortunately Sue didn't believe her, but if Mom is telling this to people it's probably only a matter of time before someone tries to charge me. Then what? How do I prove I don't hit her, and that it's the other way around? Anyway, Sue said she doesn't believe a word my mom says, and that most people in the church don't any more either.

She told me that every Sunday, my mom tries to kiss her grandfather on the mouth, calling him her boyfriend, and even tried to sit on his lap. The man is confined to a wheelchair, 92 years old and very frail. In case you've forgotten, my mother is approximately 300 pounds and has no coordination or balance. Kim screams at her to stay away from him, but Mom thinks she's joking and just calls her a bitch.

She talked about Mom barrelling across the room and cutting in line whenever the desserts come out after the service, and stuffing 6 or 7 buttertarts in her mouth. She also said she frequently runs over people's feet, and once parked with her tire right on top of a woman's foot and refused to move, even though the woman was screaming. I told Kim the way to disable Mom's scooter and release the brake was to pull the lever at the back, under the seat, and doing so would allow her to push it as far as you can push 500 pounds on wheels. I warned her that if she did it, Mom would go ballistic, and to be prepared to call the police if she became violent.

Sue also told me about a dance to which Mom gave Sue and Roy a ride. Roy is a severely mentally challenged man who lives in a group home. When Mom picked him up, the staff told her, Roy, and Sue that Roy MUST be back in the house by 9:30PM. Mom ackowledged this. At 10PM, Sue told Mom it was past due tot ake Roy hom, and Roy himself was very tired and wanted to leave. However, Mom didn't wantt o go, and in the end she returned Roy at 1AM. Roy got in trouble wiht the staff for being late, even though it wasn't his fault. Since then, Roy's family have told the staff they don't want Roy going anywhere with my mother. To top it off, Sue says my mom has been buying tickets to all the church events for Roy, calling my dad from the door saying she  lost of spent her money and he had to bring her more. Dad's been unknowingly buying $20 tickets for this guy on pretty well a monthly basis.

Sue recently started working at Value Village, and said Mom doesn't know she works there and she wants to keep it that way. Sue works in the back room, so she can avoid Mom. However, she says all the staff in the store call Mom "Psycho Bitch Lady on a Scooter" because she bullies staff, terrorises other customers, and knocks whole racks of clothing and housewares over. I told Sue she should let the staff know that if Mom is behaving aggressively, they should ask her to leave, and if she doesn't they can then call the police for trespassing. She said she would let the supervisor know, but not mention specifically who told her this other than it's a family member.

So... wow. Lots of new info, none of it surprising, but I may have new allies if the Value Village staff take my advice. Hopefully they will catch her being dangerous and get her picked up so I don't have to.

Last night I fought with myself to try to get out and do something. I decided I was going to go swimming from 8-9PM, but when the time came I couldn't do it. Hopefully when Gilly comes home I'll feel motivated enough to do something.

I strongly suspect I am having side-effects from the drugs. I woke in the night, sweating and nauseous, although everything that came out of me went down, not up. This was on the list of side-effects. I have a headache now, but perhaps it's just dehydration. I'll have to have some ginger tea and see if my guts settle. I really hope this passes before Wasaga or I'm in trouble.

Written about 5PM June 20, 2007 while Xanga was down

I feel like my mind is grinding to a halt. I can't get my ass out of this chair today, aside from going back to bed. I wouldn't think this is due to the medication I only began taking last night, but I am a little worried that it is.

I went to the doctor yesterday and had him fill out forms for CPP Disability. I asked him for an antidepressant and he gave me Cipralex from a box of samples in his cupboard. It's a new drug that is supposed to have minimal side-effects, and according to the internet it doesn't interact with alcohol either, meaning if I want to have a frozen drink at the beach on Saturday I still can.

Although the doctor seemed to be making a genuine effort to support my case for depression, he asked me to bring in someone else that could verify I'm really depressed. Fucking hell! he takes my mom's word as-is on everything, but he requires a witness when I report that I'm having trouble functioning? I said I'd bring Dorian in, and he said that would be fine. I had his take my blood pressure, and to my surprise it was 132/84, lower than it has been in ages. I can only figure it's because Mom has been away for a week and I haven't been eating anything much, so there's no salt getting into my body.

This afternoon I phoned Dorian and he said he was just about to go on stage to finish up an Elvis concert in Pickering, but he saw my number on the Call ID and decided he had to answer it. I thanked him and said it's not urgent this time, and he said he'd call me back after the show. I have an appointment with the doctor on Monday afternoon to fill out my EI Sickness application form, so I'm hoping he can go with me then.

I went to the Krasman Centre support group last night, and many people there hugged me and some shed a few tears with me as I described my mom's behaviour and how it's destroying me. Someone else was asking about how to get a Form 2 on somebody, so I was the resident expert for the night and gave him all the information I've gathered in the last two weeks. I also got positive reviews on the psychiatrist I'm going to see in August.

Although Mom had been threatening me again on Sunday night and Monday, she seemed to settle a bit last night when I told her I'd been to the doctor for antidepressants. When I woke from my nap after the doctor's visit and asked Mom if she wanted KFC for dinner, she not only said yes but she handed me money and told me she'd buy mine too. I thanked her for it, and we sat silently watching TV and eating chicken when I returned. It was half an hour where she didn't attack me once, although I intentionally didn't open any conversation because I figured it would set her off no matter what topic I chose.

Monday night, Luc took me out to dinner at Mr. Greek, then we went to his place for 5 hours of messing around combining my computer with Dad's. I had invested in 2gb of RAM, and now it kicks ass. I had thought the power supply in my machine was shot, but it turned out to be bulging capacitors on the motherboard. There was no saving it without blowing a bunch of money on it. We formatted my dad's hard drive to get rid of the horrible proprietary Compaq Windows XP and replace it with regular Windows XP. My main hard drive is slow and there was no room left for it in the case, so I'm going to have to get my hands on a USB enclosure so I can access things on it. For now though, I have a kick-ass computer. Even Luc was a bit excited about my upgrade. This computer must be my large inheritance. I must take a moment and thank Gilly for not wanting Dad's computer and being cool with me taking it.

So tired... I think I'll go have another nap.

Once again, I have more to report than my fingers can type, and some things can get me into hot water so I'll be vague about them.

My mom called Wednesday night to say she would stay in Sherkton until Sunday as she was enjoying herself so much. That day she had gone into Buffalo alone and gotten lost. She left her scooter outside a thrift store and some people came in after her telling her a man was rifling through her scooter basket and she'd better get out there. She didn't care, saying all he would find was diapers anyway. The man entered the store, he was in his 80s and walked with a cane. Mom saw he was wearing a Masonic baseball cap, and she asked if he was a Mason. e said no, and then she harassed him for quite some time to sell him her hat so she could give it to her father. The man kept saying no and Mom followed him around the store, not stopping until he waved his cane in the air and threatened to become violent. She seems to think it was a joke, but it doesn't sound at all funny to me.

I called Dorian and let him know we couldn't form Mom on Thursday as she wouldn't be back in time to be taken by the police. I said we'd have to evaluate things after she got home and see what would happen.

On Thursday the church ladies came by and cleaned the house. Six of them came, five of them with good intentions and the sixth seemed to have come only to berate me. She spent the whole time telling me off for letting my mother make the house this way. I told her it isn't my fault she's sick, and I try hard to discourage her from bringing crap home and to throw things out, and that mom gets violent when I try to get rid of the junk. She wouldn't let up. It was terribly degrading and I wanted to throw her out but was worried the other ladies would leave. Anyway, after two hours we had eight garbage bags, four recycling bins, and three boxes for the rummage sale. When they left, I wasn't feeling grateful and relieved, I was feeling angry and insulted because of the attitude of that one woman. I have mentioned it to a couple of people from the church and nobody is sure who I'm talking about. I'll have to pick her out and ask Mom about her next time I see her.

That evening I got curious and decided to find out what Mom was spending. <insert vagueness here> I discovered that mom had spent $4000 in the last ten days! There was a charge of $658 to Swarovski in Buffalo, and $1000 to a jeweller in Toronto. I fiercely hoped it was a case of fraud, but had no way to know and just hoped that the credit card company would flag the account as stolen when they noticed unusual spending.

Worried, Gilly and I went to the bank for advice. <insert vagueness here> We found out that mom has begun systematically cashing in her RSPs, and if she cashes them all she will be in a 50% tax bracket and will owe about $35000 to the government in April. There isn't a fucking thing we can do about it. The bank manager said she would try to intercept Mom next time she's in and sit her down for a talk to try to discourage her from cashing in Dad's life savings. Because really, it's Dad that worked so hard all his life and put money away and wouldn't let her touch it. She sat on her ass and spent every dime she could squeeze out of him, and then more. Anyway, $35000 is an entire year's pension, and if the government is taking that from her I don't know how on earth we're going to find an assisted living place to take her. I am getting more and more afraid as time goes on.

On Friday afternoon Gilly and I went to DQ to see if I could have a word with Vijay. We had some lunch but when we were done it was too busy, so I told Vijay I would drop by on Monday morning to talk to him. I want to make sure he knows I'm grateful for his support, and make sure that if/when I apply for another job I'll have a good reference behind me.

We returned the hospital bed that afternoon as well. Gilly and I struggled for half an hour just to get the main chunk of the bed to the front door, and Gilly's back was hurting so she didn't know if she could finish the job. A lawn care guy was just putting away his equipment after finishing our lawn, so I asked if he would mind giving us a hand. He was very nice and picked up the heavy motor end, commented how heavy it was, but he easily carried it down the ramp with my assistance and we put it in the van. Thank God he was there and was so willing to help! At the hospice we struggled to remove the bed until a woman that was doing the gardening offered to help. Those gardeners are awfully strong! The hospice worker offered her condolences and thanked us for returning the bed so quickly.

On Friday night we both knew we should be cleaning, but we were too tired and just wanted to relax. We made one of our favourite casseroles for supper, and I made a large pan of strawberry-rhubarb crumble using about half the plant from the back yard. We really enjoyed it, and afterward we left the dishes in the sink and went out to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3.

On Saturday Mitun took us out for brunch at Cora's. It was good to see her, and we had fun catching up. We enjoyed our fruit sculptures, then returned to our house to see Mitun's European vacation photos on my dad's computer. She kept worrying she was boring us, but actually they were very interesting. Gilly and I reminisced a bit about our own travels, too.

In the afternoon we went to a party at Cory and Geoff's house in Barrie. For a change they were the only gay men there; everyone else were straight couples with kids aside from us. I enjoyed myself but was very tired and preoccupied with things I didn't want to think about. I fell asleep while watching people play Wii games, and otherwise didn't say or do an awful lot. Cory and Geoff didn't seem to mind, and Cory knows me well enough not to have been offended at my withdrawal from social interaction. We left about 10:30PM, thinking we'd get home at a reasonable time and get a bit of cleaning done. What we didn't forsee was that there was an enormous accident on the 400 and a chunk of the highway was closed, and would be until 6AM. It took us just over two hours to go 15 km to the next exit. Argh! It was painful. I dozed in and out of sleep, and also had several bouts of quiet crying as I was prisoner to my thoughts.

Everywhere I look, my friends are getting good things in their lives. People are having relationships, having babies, going on trips, buying houses, getting good jobs, getting married. This bothers me somewhat normally, but now each new happy announcement is another reminder of how painful and lonely my life is. Sure, I have lots of friends and I appreciate their kindness, but at the end of the day when I'm at home, I get a bunch of abuse and then I go to bed and cry alone in the dark. I spend 20 years trying to win the love my mentally and physically ill, narcissistic, soul-sucking, abusive mother, I take abuse at multiple jobs, I'm unemployed and in debt and forced to return to the hell of living with my mother, I'm finally working and getting somewhere and my father dies, leaving me with his debt and Mom with all the income, and as a result I can't even function enough to work. I go camping with my friends to get some relief, only to have people get lovey-dovey and upset me again. The I found out that someone I care for and never really got over that lack of reciprocal emotions is engaged to someone he has only just met. When he told me on the phone he did so respectfully, telling me before announcing it widely out of respect for my feelings. I managed to pretend to be OK, and even said I would go to his house that evening for his announcement to his friends. However, a couple hours later I was on my way to Cory's and started crying in the car. I told Gilly I didn't think it was a good idea for me to go to the other party as I would just ruin it for them, and she said that was OK and we'd just skip it and stay at Cory's all evening.

Oh, on top of all else, my computer crapped out on me the other night and I can't access my calendar of appointments and things. Luc is going to help me merge my computer with Dad's as his is newer, but in the meantime I have to hope that I don't miss anything on my calendar.

Today Gilly and I frantically cleaned, did dishes, sorted out bills and cards and things, did laundry, and moved the bed back in from the garage. Mom came home about 3PM, van chock full of all kinds of crap. She wanted to unpack her things in the living room but I wouldn't let her. I had my camera set up and recording her, but by the time she had a small outburst the card was full and I didn't get it recorded. There were no large outbursts, anyway. Gilly managed to find out about t he Swarovski purchase when mom tried to hide a small box but then walked away to the toilet. Gilly peeked inside and found a pair of jewel-encrusted eyeglass frames! Mom probably figures the health insurance will cover the cost, but they don't cover that much, not by a long shot. We have found no evidence of the $1000 jewellery purchase, and the bank manager suggested it may have been a down payment on something. God, I hope she's not buying something enormous on layaway.

All is quiet at the moment. I hope it stays that way for now.

There is so much to report, I can't possibly write it all down. I haven't even been chatting online so I can't copy and paste it either. In a nutshell, Mom went to a lawyer on Friday to ask if she could get me ejected from her house, and her lawyer said yes. That afternoon we went to Dad's lawyer, Pauline, for a formal will reading to explain everything to my mom. Dorian joined us, and fortunately Dorian and Pauline are old friends. Pauline also has a degree in social work and used to be a nurse, so she was great with Mom and understands the situation. Mom spent the whole time attacking me, and everything Pauline told her, mom said it wasn't true. She had no comprehension of what was being said to her. They managed to convince her not to throw me out for two months and we'd have a meeting in August to decide how to proceed.

Gilly and I went camping on the weekend, and managed not to cry for a 24-hour period on Saturday. We both cried when we burned the last of Dad's chequebooks while the others were at the beach in the middle of the night. I was feeling very lonely, and to make matters worse the two people I was sharing a tent with ended up getting cozy on the beach and were all giddy and snuggly when they returned. In the morning somebody asked her what happened and she started to gush, and i just burst into tears and said I couldn't listen to it. Normally it would have been fine, but right now I can't have someone telling me how great it is to be with someone when I feel so alone. Fortunately my friends didn't take offence, and Laura and Rob ended up spending quite  along time listening to me tell them about all the things that are happening and my worries.

When I got home after camp, the living room was so full of crap Mom had bought at yard sales I couldn't walk in the door. She was mostly civil to me that evening and the next morning. While Gilly was still there Mom admitted to us that she had packed up Dad's clothes and given it to the church rummage sale while we were away. She said she decided to do it without telling us so as not to upset us. This is ridiculous logic as clearly we'd be more upset if she gave away something important to us without saying anything and didn't give us the opportunity to keep what we wanted. However, it's fortunate that Gilly and i don't feel a connection to his clothes other than his funny hats. We said we might have kept one of his ugly ties and I would like his hankies because I have a constantly runny nose. Anyway, today I called Dorian and he told me that he and Carolyn (the Rector's Warden) had decided to hang onto the clothes and let me know what Mom had done. I thanked him and said we'd go take a look, but that mom had admitted it and we had given our blessing to give away the clothes as long as they went to charity. I told Carolyn that any leftovers from the sale could go to the men's shelter, and she said she would look after that.

Mom told us on Friday that she would be going on holiday to Sherkston, as she saw an ad in the paper and she got a little cottage thing in a family resort for $120 if she went Monday to Friday. She told us all defiantly as if we were going to stop her, but honestly I was glad she was going. My only problem with it all is that she took the child molester with her. To a family resort full of children. I can only hope that since school is still on there won't be many families there this week. Gilly told Mom to make sure she never lets him out of her sight.

I left a mesage for Vijay on Friday saying I would take Monday off to relax since Mom was going away. However, when Monday came I ended up spending 6 hours on the compute,r trying to make up a coherent record of Mom's behaviour from the last three months to take to the Justice of the Peace. I forgot to eat anything until I went out to the walk-in clinic to see the doctor and ask him again if he would form her and save me the stress. He said when he saw her on Friday he couldn't get enough information out of her to form her, and her story is the same as always, that I'm making things up just to get her hospitalised. So my only option is to do this myself, and hope that I can convince the JP that she's dangerous to herself and/or others. Dorian is going with me to offer his support and input. The worker at the hospital told me that I can request a financial capability evaluation while she's hospitalised, and in that case it could be done without explaining it to her and getting her consent. If she's found incapable then, Public Guardian would be notified and they in turn would contact me and Gilly and ask us to take on Power of Attorney.

Anyway, while I was waiting to see the doctor I was feeling so overwhelmed I called DQ. I got the answering machine and left an incoherent message about not knowing when i could return to work, and saying I'd probably be off the rest of the week.

Janet phoned me this morning, Vijay's not happy with me for cancelling again. She said he left me a message last night, which I didn't know was there because my cell didn't indicate it. Vijay's message said that I've caused him big problems by cancelling again, and that maybe I should go back to the YMCA employment office. I spoke to Dorian and he said he'd talk to Vijay as he goes in there all the time and they know each other, but honestly I don't see when I can go back to work at all.
The counsellor at the hospital said I should apply for EI sickness
benefits for depression, and I said I was worried that would screw me
out of provincial services like it did last time.
I called the ODSP office today and was told if I applied there first
and then for EI it would be better, and the guy I spoke to took an
application over the phone. He told me they require me to apply for CPP Disability too, so now I have to do that.  So I'm back in this cycle of applying for things I may never get.

Dorian
said the church ladies are all asking what they can do to help, and I
said maybe they could help with the cleaning if anybody could come over
before Friday.  I figure I have to do th living room myself, but the kitchen could be done by anyone really. So Carolyn is going to try to get some ladies to volunteer to come in tomorrow and Friday morning, and hopefully we can cover the living room and kitchen in that time. I'd like to tackle the bathroom, but I doubt I'll get to it. I need to eat something, and call CPP and start the application for that. I have a feeling this is going to be another exercise in futility, a huge waste of time and result in me going back into debt. I am terrified.

My dad's memorial service was wonderful. Over 100 people showed up, including some who had previously said they couldn't make it. Dorian had a sermon prepared, but after Mom, Gilly and I each spoke about Dad he felt we had said everything he was going to say anyway. Also, the service that we had intended to be half an hour lasted nearly an hour. Tara sat near the back of the room, and said she noticed a lot of men were crying during our speeches. This is a huge change from most funerals for guys from the model aircraft clubs, as they usually stand around red-faced and trying not to cry, and instead only talking about model engines in an attempt to avoid the discomfort.

Our slideshow really got a good response. You can now view it on Google Video, titled In Loving Memory of Brian Robert Gothard. Make sure you watch it in full screen mode, and turn up your speakers.

I finally remember what made Dad smile a few hours before he died.

He called out at 2AM and said his arms hurt, and he asked us to rub them to help the circulation. After a few minutes he brushed my hand away and said "stop". We both stopped, and he reached for Gilly and said "Gilly rub, Gilly rub." We laughed, and she said she's his favourite daughter. I said no wonder, because the sun shines out her ass (a quote from him a few months ago when he was joking around, paraphrasing Mom). The corners of Dad's mouth pulled back into something resembling a smile, and it was obvious he was laughing inside. Gilly called me an evil, conniving bitch (which was the next
bit of the joke he had made months ago) and his face held in the smile. That was the last time in his life he really "laughed", and I'm glad we were able to give that to him.

I just caught Mom in the basement, going through Dad's desk drawers. He had everything neatly stacked, sorted, and clearly labelled, placed in envelopes and easy to find. I discovered this a couple of months ago and was glad he made everything easy to find and identify.

Mom took everything out of two of the three drawers, ripped apart the envelopes, threw piles of financial documents, old tax returns, insurance papers, warranties, and loads of other things into a huge pile in the recycling box by his desk for disposal. I am horrified. I told her to put everything down, to leave it alone, and that she CANNOT touch any of that stuff. She fought and argued, told me to stop being all high and mighty, called me a bitch, and kept grabbing and ripping and fussing and rifling. Somehow I managed to get her to leave, but looking through the pile in the bin and on the desk, I nearly cried because I can't make sense of any of it. She claims I told her to look for things in the desk, and I said no, I told her repeatedly I knew EXACTLY where everything was that I needed in the desk and that I would deal with those things appropriately. I am so shaken and upset, and she has just created several days worth of work for me trying to find things and figure out what everything is and where it needs to go. I took a few deep breaths, told Gilly I'd like her to sort out the mess, and then said I'd have to put a lock on the basement door. I already bought the lock weeks ago, so I'll just have to wait until she goes out and then install it. Unfortunately the desk itself doesn't lock. I checked yesterday and found no sign of a locking mechanism. Locking her out of the basement is my only option as she just won't leave it alone.

I found out today Mom has been calling the bank, the lawyer, the credit card companies, the insurance companies,  the government, and so on and claiming to be the executor of the will, trying to close or take over Dad's accounts. How can I stop her from doing these things and confusing people? She is making my job twice as difficult by lying and misrepresenting herself. What's next? Disconnecting her phone line so she can't call people? No, I'm not actually planning to disconnect her line. It wouldn't stop her anyway.

I did the right thing by locking the death certificates and will in my room. Tonight she told me she needed them to give to people. I have now taken the deed to the house and put it in the same folder. This is ridiculous!

I tried reaching out to her tonight. She told me she found a beautiful outfit at Addition-Elle this afternoon, one she wanted to wear to the memorial. However, it would be $220 altogether, so she decided it wasn't worth it and put it back. I told her (while being interrupted half a dozen times) that since she is not going to be able to buy any nice clothes for quite some time, that if she wanted the outfit I would buy it for her. She turned me down flat, acknowledging my offer but saying it was too much money. If she changes her mind the offer is still open, I genuinely meant it, but part of me is relieved she turned down the offer as it is quite a pile of money.

I just caught my mom in the basement, going through Dad's desk drawers. He had everything neatly stacked, sorted, and clearly labelled, placed in envelopes and easy to find. I discovered this a couple of months ago and was glad he made everything easy to find and identify.

Mom took everything out of two of the three drawers, ripped apart the envelopes, threw piles of financial documents, old tax returns, insurance papers, warranties, and loads of other things into a huge pile in the recycling box by his desk for disposal. I am horrified. I told her to put everything down, to leave it alone, and that she CANNOT touch any of that stuff. She fought and argued, told me to stop being all high and mighty, called me a bitch, and kept grabbing and ripping and fussing and rifling. Somehow I managed to get her to leave, but looking through the pile in the bin and on the desk, I nearly cried because I can't make sense of any of it. She claims I told her to look for things in the desk, and I said no, I told her repeatedly I knew EXACTLY where everything was that I needed in the desk and that I would deal with those things appropriately. I am so shaken and upset, and she has just created several days worth of work for me trying to find things and figure out what everything is and where it needs to go. I took a few deep breaths, told Gilly I'd like her to sort out the mess, and then said I'd have to put a lock on the basement door. I already bought the lock weeks ago, so I'll just have to wait until she goes out and then install it. Unfortunately the desk itself doesn't lock. I checked yesterday and found no sign of a locking mechanism. Locking her out of the basement is my only option as she just won't leave it alone.

I found out today Mom has been calling the bank, the lawyer, the credit card companies, the insurance companies,  the government, and so on and claiming to be the executor of the will, trying to close or take over Dad's accounts. How can I stop her from doing these things and confusing people? She is making my job twice as difficult by lying and misrepresenting herself. What's next? Disconnecting her phone line so she can't call people?