March 19, 2013

• Defining Rape

  In the aftermath of the Steubenville rape trial, there have been many mentions that boys should be "taught" not to rape women. While at face value, this seems ludicrous, there is something to it.

   

  The vast majority of people (men included) deplore rape. Very few men aspire to rape people.

   

  Where the teaching comes in is in the definition of rape. From an article by Dan Wetzel on Yahoo News:

   

  Rape, experts say, is a crime of power and control more than sex. Underlying all of that is arrogance, and in Steubenville it was taken to the extreme.

   

  Throughout this trial, the two defendants and a parade of friends who wound up mostly testifying against the defendants, expressed little understanding of rape – let alone common decency or respect for women. Despite the conviction, the defendants likely don't view themselves as rapists, at least not the classic sense of a man hiding in the shadows.

   

  "It wasn't violent," explained teammate Evan Westlake when asked why he didn't stop the two defendants as they abused a non-moving girl that Westlake knew to be highly intoxicated. "I always pictured it as forcing yourself on someone."

   

  That was part of the arrogance.

   

  Arrogance from the defendants. Arrogance from the friends. Arrogance within the culture.

   

  http://sports.yahoo.com/news/highschool--steubenville-high-school-football-players-found-guilty-of-raping-16-year-old-girl-164129528.html

   

  There is absolutely no excuse for rape. People in Steubenville, and many who have responded via social media about the incident, seem to think that since the victim had consumed alcohol, that she somehow deserved to be raped. What needs to be taught is not so much "not to rape", but that consent is required for sexual activity, or else it is rape.

   

  Consent cannot be given by someone who is too drunk to know what is going on. (Never mind the fact that the victim also believes she was drugged.) The defence statements of the rapists indicate that they thought that since the victim was not fighting back, that it was OK to perform sexual acts on her. Not fighting back is not consent.

   

   

  Consent cannot be given by someone who is physically or mentally incapacitated in some way. I have narcolepsy, and sometimes I appear drunk when I'm actually having a sleep attack. My friends know that while I'm a good sport about being pranked while I'm awake, they are not allowed to prank me when I'm sleeping because I am unable to protect myself while in that state. My friends respect this. Likewise, my boyfriend knows that if I am truly not responding to him because I'm asleep, he'd better leave me alone. Without my express consent, he will not continue any physical contact. However, many men would find a lack of a "yes" or "no" confusing. Not saying "NO" is not consent.

   

  Of course, many people find it incredibly awkward when they get into a situation where they change their minds about sex. Like many others, I have on multiple occasions found myself alone with a man and for some reason have become uncomfortable. The question then comes to mind, how do I stop this without endangering myself? In one case, my change of mind was due to increased aggression from my partner. I was afraid that if I said no, he would become agitated and violent. I kept making excuses, I kept saying I had to leave. That in itself is an indication that I am not giving consent. However, I found myself unable to get away, and decided that the best way to prevent violence was to perform oral sex on him. Eventually he did let me go, but I felt sick and shaken afterward. This happened while I was out of province on holiday, so I knew I would never see him again. I never reported it, and have told very few people about this incident. This is a "coming out" of sorts. While I don't feel ashamed of what happened, there is something inside me that says I shouldn't talk about it. This is in direct contrast to my generally open and "out there" personality. Some would say that since I performed oral sex on this man that it was a consensual act, but in reality it was a survival method because when I expressed my lack of consent, he wouldn't take no for an answer.Giving in to coersion is not consent.

   

  So I totally get the feeling of self-doubt experienced by rape victims. I understand the fear that arises when you realise you can't escape the power another person holds over you. What needs to be taught is not "how not to rape", but "how to recognise consent". Last year I attended a workshop where about 40 people of varying genders discussed consent. So many admissions of similar experiences to my own came out, and not just from women. Men feel a societal pressure to want sex all the time, and often fear that they will seem "weak" or "unmanly" if they express that they do not want to have sex. Women coerce men quite possibly as much as men coerce women. What we needs to teach young people (and that's young people of ALL genders) is how to communicate. Ask "May I kiss you?" or "May I touch you in this way?" and get a yes or no. Silence is a NO. Averting eyes is a NO. What is a yes? Either the person saying yes, or the person reaching out specifically to allow that kind of touch requested. Consent is a specific positive response to a direct question.

   

  A great resource for learning how to practice good consent can be found at http://microcosmpublishing.com/catalog/zines/2879/

  • 5:18 am
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