February 7, 2013

  • This morning I had a very intense meeting at my mom's seniors' home. It involved me, Shin Huang, my mom, Gillian Ruth, and Lindsay (the director of the home). It was about my mom's hoarding being totally out of control again. You can't even enter her room because it's so bad. I was (am) still pissed off with mom for pulling the stunt with the Humane Society on Saturday. I had a panic attack in the night, and Shin was worried about me, so he went with me for support even though I didn't ask him to. I was really grateful for it.

    When we arrived, Gilly was pissed off because Mom had just told her she'd bought a new bed (despite her claims that she has no money) and had asked the handyman in the home to throw the old bed in the dumpster outside. That bed is Gilly's, and was only on loan to Mom. Fortunately, it turned out that he hadn't thrown it out yet, so I will be picking it up tomorrow.

    Lindsay was really late getting to us, and Gilly had to get going in a hurry, so Gilly was already stressed about that too. Mom was saying "I'm sorry, but..." to everything, which means she's not one bit sorry for anything. I said to her "Sorry isn't good enough."

    Her TV is still broken, so last night she occupied herself by taking a bunch of ornaments and crap from around her room and piling them up on her bed. She ended up sleeping in her armchair because she completely buried the bed. She called both me and Gilly this morning asking for boxes, which we took over with us. Mom claimed several boxes were ready for us to take away immediately, but when we got up there she had all these glass and ceramic ornaments piled up to overflowing in a few boxes. We said no way were we taking them like that, and she had to wrap them all in newspaper and box them properly. This is typical of my mother. She had a whole box of old newspapers on the floor that she had gathered for disposal, but it never occurred to her to use them for wrapping.

    Anyway, in discussion, Gilly became very upset and said that she was at her wits' end with the hoarding. She's overextended with school out of town, and homework, and work, and didn't know what she was expected to do. It was clear she was very concerned but also extremely frustrated, and also worried that I was going to be angry with her for expressing this. She became totally overwhelmed and left, at which point I started telling mom off for putting so much stress on both of us and having no interest whatsoever in helping herself or considering the damage she has done to us over our entire lives. I mentioned how we had gone for family counselling when Gilly and I were young, and it only resulted in three of us talking about Mom's abuse and Mom trying to blame everybody else for everything. I talked about the counsellor asking Mom why she
    was so focused on herself when her daughter was sitting there crying her eyes out because she was in so much emotional distress. Mom's response, then and also today, was "But look at all the stuff you've done to me." Lindsay looked sad to hear the extent of the dysfunction in our family, but didn't comment.

    Mom tried to change the subject from cleaning to her wanting her TV fixed, and I stopped her and said we weren't there to discuss that. Lindsay asked if we were willing to go in and clean her room, and I said yes, but ONLY if Mom isn't present. If Mom's there she wants to tell us a story about every scrap of paper and piece of string, and won't let us throw things out. Initially Mom said no, but Lindsay convinced her that it was what needed to be done. Shin suggested that since Gilly's not available to help, that we ask our friend Shari to help us, and Mom pay her for her time. (Shari loves this kind of thing, and has done some work with Mom recently.) Mom reluctantly agreed. Lindsay said that if we let her know in advance what day we'll be there, she will make sure that Mom doesn't bother us. If Mom tries to interfere while we clean, Lindsay will forcibly remove her from the room. (Note: My mom is always saying nasty things about Lindsay, but we really like her and keep thanking her for being the enforcer so Mom focuses her rage on someone other than us. Lindsay is actually a really awesome person, with the patience of a saint!)

    So the deal is that Mom has until the end of this weekend to remove as much as she can herself. Lindsay will inspect next week, and then if (when) she deems it still too messy, we will go in and clean the room ourselves for one or more days. On February 20, Lindsay will inspect again, and if it's still not good enough, Mom will have to pay a professional to finish the job before March 1. However, I am confident that we will be able to get it cleaned up well enough ourselves. We also said that Mom must start going to some kind of counselling again, as she hasn't in a couple of years and I figure she needs someone to monitor her mental state and her worries consistently. I also spoke to Lindsay on Monday and asked her to have the doctor examine Mom's medications to see if she might be manic from having too much. She has lost about 60 pounds in
    recent months due to the care in the home, and last time she had a significant weight loss, she had a psychotic episode due to her medications not being reduced correspondingly.

    At the end of the meeting, we took the empty boxes up to Mom's room. She had piled a whole bunch of ornaments and random crap on her bed last night, and then slept in her armchair. She claimed there were some boxes ready for us to take away, but we refused because they were just overflowing boxes of glass and ceramic items with no protective wrapping on them at all. Beside the bed, she had a whole box full of newspapers she had gathered for disposal, so I told her she had to wrap each piece and put them in boxes and close the boxes or we wouldn't take them. She had also taken her armchair and flipped it upside down, something she frequently did with the couch when we were kids. She would decide to "clean" the living room, and that meant flipping the couch and dumping off all the shit she'd piled on top of it, then taking a broom and sweeping the mounds of junk from behind and under the couch into the middle of the room. She would then upright the couch and fall asleep on it, and never finish the job. She could never understand that the stuff behind the couch was not what most needed to be cleaned, and that she should focus on the stuff on top of the couch and on the floor. This is characteristic of a person with frontal lobe brain damage, which she developed years ago due to her MS.

    I came home and slept for the afternoon while Shin went off to work. Mom left me a message asking for more boxes. When I woke up, Shin came home so we went out together and got more boxes from the liquor store. We delivered those boxes and took away six neatly packed and sealed boxes for donation to the thrift store tomorrow. Mom insisted I take them to the Salvation Army store "because they're the best charity", but that shop is way out of the way and inconvenient for unloading the car into. Anyone who wants to purchase my mom's junk will be able to find it at Talize.

    When we left the home, I texted Gilly to thank her for coming and let her know that her presence DID make a difference, even if it didn't feel like it did. I also wanted to make sure she knew I'm not angry with her for leaving or being unable to help with the cleanup. She was still doubtful about how helpful she was, but she's probably relieved to know I'm not planning to yell at her for leaving.

    In Nibbler news, she is very active today and seems to be walking better, although still a bit awkwardly. She's very snuggly and was talking in my ear while I laid on the bed tonight.