November 3, 2007

  • Today has been such a rollercoaster. I know I say that all the time lately, but it's no exaggeration.

    I woke to the phone ringing. It was an adjudicator from the ODSP office. He apologised for their office having screwed me around so much on my application, and told me he approved me for two years. I'll get my back pay sometime within the next couple of weeks.

    Elated, I called Gilly, Austin, Luc, and Dorian to relay the news. I tried Mom a bunch of times, but kept getting her answering machine. Her cell phone was turned off all day. I went out and bought a $6 bottle of Spumonte Bambino to take to Kim and Terry's party tonight to celebrate.

    When I called the vet to find out when to visit Zazu, the receptionist told me Dr. Bonnie needed to speak with me. I made the earliest possible appointment, 3:40PM. I was concerned but figured if it was really bad she probaby would have phoned me herself. I caled Gilly and let her know about the appointment, but she figured she'd be at work.

    Fortunately, Gilly was released from work early today after having gotten ahead on a big project. She met me at the cat hospital and Andrea took Zazu into an examination room for us to visit with him. He was still very groggy and weak, confused and clearly dizzy. He kept turning his head rapidly from side to side as if the room was spinning around him. He was panting and crying, a cry unlike anything we'd ever heard from him before; it sounded very similar to a siren. We knew this wasn't good. Dr. Bonnie came in and said she had intended to call us herself but didn't manage to before I called in this morning. She ran blood tests on Zazu late last night and they indicated that both kidneys had stopped functioning and his liver was also shutting down. She said she was surprised he was alive when she walked in this morning, he was doing so badly. She gave us some time alone with him and said we could decide whether to take him home and let him die naturally or have him put down, or take him home for a night and then put him down tomorrow or something. She said she was so sorry there was nothing else she could do for him, and I thanked her for trying so hard. We all knew there was no saving him any more. At least, she said, he was so delirious at that poin that se didn't think he was in pain any more.

    We cuddled Zazu and cried a lot. A LOT. He kept trying to get up but turned in a circle and fell over, then cried some more. I picked him up an stood by the window, and he quieted down when he looked outside. I asked if we could take him outside, and we were told that would be alright. We went to the patch of grass between the cat hospital and the building beside it, and I sat down on the edge of the shade and sunlight to give him the choice of where to sit. He immediately scrambled out of my lap, wobbled and lurched and stumbled in a circle and fell down. He cried again and breathed heavily. He shuffled around awkwardly for a minute and then settled in the grass with his face toward the sun. He continued to cry and we petted him and cried some more, talked to him and told him we loved him. Every few minutes he would get up and try to stumble toward the road, but he kept ending up stumbling in a circle and falling. Eventually he made it to the side of the building and looked up at the brick step lining the front garde. He actually jumped, taking three tries. I kept trying to just grab him and lift him up, but he was determined to jump it. He got three feet on the edge and missed with the last one and fell. I lifted him up and he scrambled under a thorny bush, got a bit stuck there and cried again. I left him there and petted him for a few seconds, then picked him up and sat on the ledge. Gilly and I each took a turn holding him, and he quieted while we did so.

    Eventually we felt cold and decided we had to go back inside. Another cat was in the examination room so we sat on the couches and cuddled him some more. I let Dr. Bonnie know we were ready when she was, and soon after we went into the room.

    Zazu's breathing was very laboured by this time, and Dr. Bonnie said he might even die within the next ten minutes if we waited. However, he would be struggling a lot with his breathing and it would be distressing, so we said we wanted to let him go peacefully. Dr. Bonnie had the needles ready in her pocket. She gave us the choice to stay or go, and we both wanted to stay. The first needle made him sleepy, although it was hard to tell because he was so limp to begin with. The second needle was the euthanasia, and we stroked and kissed and talked to him for a couple of minutes until he was gone. As Dr. Bonnie listened to hs heart and told us it was slowing, she assured us he wasn't in pain and he was very peaceful. We told her about our experience with Dad's passing, and talked about the nightly ritual of Zazu stealing Dad's kitchen chair every time he got up from the table during dinner. Zazu just laid there staring off into space, finally stopping breathing and otherwise not visibly different. Eventually Dr. Bonnie told us his heart had stopped, and he was really gone.

    Dr. Bonnie left us alone and we stayed for a few minutes afterward saying our goodbyes. It was surreal leaving the cat hospital without Zazu, knowing we would never hug him again or hear his happy little "gerbil noise". I can only hope that right now he's happily curled up in Dad's lap, purring away and waiting for an opportunity for dad to get up so he can steal his chair again.

    We had been trying to phone Mom the whole time we were with Zazu, but she just wasn't available. She phoned us back as soon as we got home, and I told her he was gone. She told me to let her know how much the vet bill is and she'll pay it. I have no idea what it will be. Dr. Bonnie said she'd take care of the cremation arrangements for us and get the ashes back in case we want them. I wasn't interested in asking about prices or anything, and I'll settle up the bill sometime next week when I return the unopened case of prescription food I bought a couple of weeks ago.

    Mom then turned into the psycho bitch I'm familiar with, and unfortunately in my vulnerable state I got drawn right into it. She told me not to visit tomorrow because the unwelcome relatives would be visiting. I said we didn't have much time in town this weekend, and she told me to visit early morning instead. She leapt right into "They don't shit on everything I say." Never mind the fact that we had some very nice visits last weekend. I yelled at her for a minute, and she seemed to enjoy the reaction she was getting. I suddenly became aware of it, and I cut myself off mid-sentence and said, "I don't want to talk you you right now." I hung up on her. I don't want to see her either. I do want to go to church while I'm in town this weekend, but since it will mean seeing her I don't think I can do it. I just can't handle her bullshit right now. All she sees is an opportunity to hurt me more, rather than an opportunity to support me in another difficult time. It's nothing new, but I had let my guard down since she was civil before. Now I feel stupid for having let her get to me again, and incredibly hurt that my own mother could have so much venom in her to have unconditional hatred for me.

    Oddly, Gilly and I both still felt like going to Kim and Terry's, although I didn't feel like dressing up so I went in the clothes I was wearing. We had a good time anyway and I made a toast to Zazu when we opened the wine. I will be happy to see Austin this weekend. I don't think I'll get to see Ellen and Brian as I think they're out of town. Whatever friends I can see this weekend, I would like to because I really need it right now.